600th post. We've come a long way LittleBlackBoy.
Chris Raj wishes he was heading nowhere instead of not heading anywhere at all.
I don't know how that was rattled out onto my facebook status, but it came out anyway. I'm really lost. Everything I do is simply a day to day affair, my future is shrouded and I'm insecure as hell. I don't know how I got here, nor do I know how to get out.
I go around and proclaim my bumming status, but hey, it's just me. I proclaim alot of things, but whether I wholeheartedly feel likewise or not is a totally different tale altogether. Yeah, I spent my most of my NS life in a 8-to-5 job. I gloated, laughed at all those who were stuck in camps for their weekdays, but deep down I would have given anything to have pursued my UAV dream. My life would be so different now had everything worked according to plan, but that is just another IF on my road. My friends would have been different, my lifestyle... everything.
Yet, that's done and I'm just cruising down the same road away from that failure.
But cruising to where? I've never felt so disconnected from my family, I've never felt so disconnected from my friends, I've never felt so clueless and it's scary. The laughter, the occasional tantrum, the kao peh-ing... some things just don't change, but I am not sure of myself anymore.
What do I really want? For myself, my future. I can't put a finger on anything. I'm not one for gambles, I'll take the safe path. I'm not one for risks, I'd rather let it go altogether. Time and time again, I see myself stepping back because the next step isn't one that is on solid ground. I can't build tomorrow's dreams on today.
The lamp posts no longer guide me home, the headlights no longer show me the tar road. My sight is limited by my fear and my feelings are diluted in confusion. My plans are in disarray and I can't see them clearly enough to mend them. I've gone off too far, I've gotten lost one too many times.
I could as well look into the mirror and go "Who are you?"
And there goes the wisdom tooth operation, which would have shaved off 2 working weeks. Haha, sounds pretty tempting eh.. but it's not going to happen. The trip to AH, which wasn't easy in the first place turned out to be a major disappointment. It seems that the wisdom teeth on my lower jaw is touching a nerve, and extracting it might result in nerve damage. It simply means I wouldn't be able to feel any sensation on my chin. Shaving cuts, water dripping down my chin etc etc. As the specialist simply put it :
"It's social embarrassment, but it's not that bad really."
Like DUDE, water perennially dripping down your chin without you knowing it, but everyone around you noticing is actually not that bad. Sheesh. Consulted my Ortho to see if this would have any implications on my braces treatment, but he told me that aesthetics is secondary when put next to something as major as a lifelong nerve damage. I'm certain I saw a sheet of MC with '10 days' written on it fly past my face and into oblivion. HOHUM!
Friday was celebrating San's big day. It was pretty fun at Seoul Garden. The banter, the noise, Mel's bitching, the constant passing around of unwanted leftovers and the stealing of cooked food. Haha, gassy marshmellows and duane's special friend rice. Winnie's, lychee, vodka, the chat, the gossip, the kind lift back and chat with Daf. I can't imagine being more blessed.
Danke schon (:
600th post. We've come a long way LittleBlackBoy.
It really amazes me how time flies. Catching up with Ana yesterday was really amazing. It was not too long ago that we were waiting for the daunting (at that time) O Level examinations, studying our lives away at MacDs, and simply slacking away at the dirt tracks. Those days are really a thing of the past now.
